The Man Named Sento|
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Sento Kaneshiro's LiveJournal:
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|Saturday, June 1st, 2013|
Nine months ago, I felt so emotionally distraught that my life was turned upside down. I went on a downwards spiral of negative emotion, thought and being in general destructive.
Now, I'm still quite destructive. I have a drinking problem to calm my nerves and to be in general an outgoing person since my confidence level is quite low. I have no idea what to do when out on a date. I have no idea how to go about dealing with people. Unless I drink a little, my nerves calm down and I am able to act normaly. Sometimes quite better than how I deal with it myself.
I'm learning how to cook and to do basic bartending. I was able to concoct a sangria from scratch. I didn't like the taste too much but the guests at the party were kinda in love with that version of sangria I made. Well that and nobody's really confident of their skills bartending. I want to learn more in the long run but I wouldn't have come to this if my alcoholism didn't go full tilt. Right now I'm just making the most of this problem and doing the best that I can.
I'm reaching out also to those who have recently broken up with their long term relationships. Though we envy those whose relationships seem to work, we also understand the importance of enjoying ourselves in these times. Though I am afraid of being alone, I also see the beauty of being as such.
|Wednesday, March 20th, 2013|
The last two days aren't quite as exciting. Actually I'm starting to normalize with this new job. It's quite chill. Kinda reminds me of how I worked at Sears but somehow I'm feeling it's a lot like EB Games minus the bullshit and I'll probably get paid a little bit more. I like the people I work with and I like that I can dress with what I want. It's cool.
Got into anime again. Not too much, but just enough. Enjoying it for the first time without competing with other otaku. Starting to become chill now and not doing too much. I like my boss too, but I'm not really open to intimacy at the moment. I guess it's gonna be a million years of flirtation. I'm kinda glad I'm not going after women now. It's quite relieving.
|Monday, March 18th, 2013|
March 18th is a synonymous personal celebration of false hopes. It has been coined from that ill-fated date between me and Cesca Tan back in March 18 (hence the date), 2005. That day has given so much false hope, I feel stupid looking back to it now.
This year it marked the first day on the job. It was quite relaxed yet the moment I start commission, I believe the stress levels will be high especially when people begin to overwhelm me with their problems and the like.
Retail is retail, reminds me of when I first started in EB Gams and the electronics department at Sears. There's not a lot of pretention like how I felt in HMV and Empire Theaters. Everything seems to be in working order. Tomorrow, I'll be closing.
Nothing much else to celebrate the day. It's quite dead really.
My mentor liked my Community rewrite. I'll probably work on it tomorrow.
|Sunday, March 17th, 2013|
Today marks the last day to my third mini-retirement.
The first mini-retirement started on May 20th, 2006. We went to Vancouver for the first time and I ended up trying new things and going to film school. It's more of a sabbatical really. I incurred a massive student loan and made the next six years stressful. My first mini-retirement ended on November 2007 when I started work at retail.
My second mini-retirement began on February 2009. I quit retail for reasons that were linked to my safety and security. I ended up spending three months in Manila and three months in Toronto. It was a somewhat rebellious moment in my life. I got to travel and I got to live life a little more dangerously than I hope I can. Burned a lot of bridges and learned many life lessons. My second mini-retirement ended when I started working for Sears on September 2009.
My third mini-retirement began on July 17, 2012. Sears terminated me. They said I don't work well with others. I pretty much ended what I started on my second mini-retirement and used the time off to shed off all the weight incurred last decade. It's a tumultuous time, a lot more introspective rather than my escapist plight on my second mini-retirement. I think it's the most productive out of the three and the least expensive.
So yes, today is my last day to my third mini-retirement.
I sold my Xbox 360, which was a replacement for my broken PS3. It fetched a good price. I used $10 of the sale to try a pho place near the area where I returned the lost wallet. Didn't meet the recipient of the wallet. He looks like he lives in a nice house in a good neighborhood. I left the wallet in my mailbox. Intact, however I found it, it remains the same way. I'm liking my good luck, I'd like to keep it that way.
Talked for a while with Stephanie, we went to VCC back in 2010. A lot about the life that we've chosen. I also spoke about how I've quit film and decided to write more while working retail. It was my plan but it kept getting sidetracked because of my lack of discipline and maturity. I've learned my lesson.
Acid testing my weight loss regimen by working in retail. Hello stress.
|Saturday, March 16th, 2013|
It's a funny city. Every time I visit downtown Seattle, something seems to be happening in my life.
First time I went to Seattle I was having trouble with film school. I didn't know what to do in my life and I needed answers. I ended up choosing the sitcom class after the visit.
Second time I went to Seattle was for PAX 2012. I broke up with Julie the following day.
Third time I went to Seattle, Julie and I ended our friendship the following day.
Today, it was uneventful as my visit. It's the fourth time I've been to Pike Place and third time to Nordstrom Rack. Got some pants in Gap, the trip to Seattle was more for my mom than anything.
Ate at Five Guys Burger again. It's starting to lose its appeal.
It's mostly a shopping trip. I got a lot of work done on my writing. I'll finish it tomorrow and turn it in before I start my job on Monday.
I'll probably deactivate my other Facebook account for the rest of the month. I left a little surprise for our friends at JKF. I probably won't check my gmail account for the rest of the month as well.
|Friday, March 15th, 2013|
I received my tax return in the mail. It was fun to come into possession of the most money I've seen in 9 months.
It lasted for 4 hours before I started paying my bills.
Well it was fun while it lasted.
Spent most day watching Zetsuen no Tempest. I realized that Psycho Pass is gonna be done, I might not have an anime to replace it with. Mimie suggested this anime, which I'm liking. Mostly because it's about two guys who can't get over their dead girlfriend.
Watched Stoker at the end of the day. It started out quite slow but the payoff was pretty good. I wasn't so impressed by the dialogue but the story progression has been great. Park Chan-wook is a visual artist, able to paint pictures using film. One of my picks for the year.
Found a wallet on the way home. I plan to return it on Sunday. It's gonna cost me time and a bus pass, but I'm so desperate for good karma and keeping this good streak.
|Thursday, March 14th, 2013|
I worked on my script all day.
Watched Shippuden and Psycho Pass. Great episodes.
Yet I worked on my Community script all day. I honestly liked how it turned out. I felt the work into it. I went line by line. Combing it. Sweeping it. Making the language clear and the jokes funny. I'm satisfied.
I also got my schedule for the new job earlier today. Booked my Xbox sale exchange on Sunday. Got everything fixed. Kinda held back on hitting on girls for a while.
Lost a pound. I liked my workout session today.
Today was satisfying. A lot of good work done today.
|Wednesday, March 13th, 2013|
|Two Beers and Film
So I enjoyed today.
Watched a film, had a few beers, met some new folks.
I called up my mentor, got to clear up some stuff. It's alright, I think I'm in okay shape. Took three hours to write my teaser portion for Community. I have 26 more pages to fine tune. I'll get that done tomorrow.
Will never eat at the Burger King in Granville again.
Olivia Wilde is amazing. Sucks that she looks like a perfected Julie. So is Emily Browning. Sucks to have an ex with so many gorgeous potential doppelgangers.
Voicing out loud my reason to quit film is cathartic. Sounds better off my system.
Morrissey is a great pub. Quiet, relaxed place. Will stay away from it on weekends.
Overall, a good day.
|Tuesday, March 12th, 2013|
As much as some people believe that I have stuff going for me. I'm thinking that I had a reset. Not many people get a reset in life. This is technically the first time that I really had a reset. Or felt that my life reset. When I migrated, some people believe it's a reset, however I still held on to what I had before. This time, the reset is real.
I burned all my bridges, I'm starting over.
It's a hard reset. My body reset, my personal life reset. The only thing that I'm carrying along are debts.
I do want to continue to write. It's what I wanted to do for the longest time. I got pulled into film and I stuck around for a good 7 years. I'm feeling that it may not be the thing I wanted. I was in denial for a while. Now I've accepted that film isn't really for me. I like watching movies. I love film festivals. I tried to get into it. Yet it wasn't for me.
Yet writing remained. Ideas and concepts remained. I kept piggybacking everybody else's ideas. Yet not mine. I am still working on projects that I've started. I don't mind, I just need to move on.
For sure I am starting work this week or next. Something new. Something to bide time with. My parents are starting over as well. I am too. At least I feel the reset. If I don't enjoy film anyway and I'm just doing it because I feel obliged due to a student loan, why not cut it off as well? I've spent a lot on it, but like my relationship with Julie, I had one foot in the door and the other foot ready to run.
Instead of thinking I have no time left, I'm thinking -- It may be time for something else.
|Monday, March 11th, 2013|
|The Universe gives...
So I got hired.
So far I've worked at a game store, a cinema, a department store, and a specialty music/movies/games shop. This is the first time I'm working in a cell phone kiosk. I'm glad I have a job and I'll definitely work smarter. Not harder, but smarter.
I also got another job offer as a part time associate for a sporting goods company. Wanted to say no, but opportunity presented itself, might as well try it out. Also got an invite for a new citizens banquet. I'll try it out. It's free anyway and a politician is trying to get more votes. Might as well. I do enjoy meeting new people.
I also got my credit card back. Bought some bus tickets to start it off. I do need a method of getting places. As much as I love to walk, sometimes, it's best to save some time.
I do plan to apply for more work. I really can't do much with a meager salary. I do have to work for commission.
I did try out the new fitness plan. I think it works well.
I plan to finish correcting my script tomorrow. I'm going to take everything into consideration. And work on the script. I plan to call my mentor on Wednesday to clear up some corrections he made for me. So that after I finish the script, I'll move on to doing some major work on Galaxy Mall. So I can submit another draft of the bible, the script and the one pager next week. I do have three weeks left.
Life is what we make it to be. And the universe gives when you allow it to.
It also takes it away whether you want it or not.
|Sunday, March 10th, 2013|
|Long Road to Healing
Healing is tough.
It leaves you vulnerable. It hurts the most and brings you down to your saddest. Everything can set you off. I'm just glad the worst is over. But little things can set me off.
I got into an argument with Gerard regarding equating happiness and weight loss. I think he really means well, however, it really irked me. I think it just brought back past memories of me being judged in accordance to my weight. I just find it weird that everyone wants me to stop now that I'm losing. I don't know what their intention, some even say that they're looking out for me.
It's just funny how they know so much better where my path would lead. So many paths, same result. Whether it be happiness or ruin.
I revised my exit plans for facebook. I created another account, an account that would keep me in peace. I have an addictive personality and I think it's a way to ease into the pain. I started walking to lose weight, I switched to juices for a long time to get rid of Coke, I started to cut down my game consumption, I think this is a way for me to rid myself of the Facebook habit.
Clearly, I'm just sick of seeing people trying to show off their perfect lives. Or seeing people ruin their own lives and complain about it. There's a bit of me in both of those realities. I show how great it must feel to be single and trim. Also I complain a lot about my loss through the break up. I think people are sick of it. Yet I'm addicted to chronicling my journey and having an audience.
Just like games, I must take it away. Because it has made me so negative.
I thought I have transcended it. Julie still makes me sad, but I'll get over her some day. Yet I felt no anger. I felt anger when I felt I've been mocked and all he does is continue to mock me. I can't do anything about it but it inspired me to lose more weight and to keep this up. I hope this new method would get me back on track. During the times I'm not online, I would work hard to look for work and finish my projects.
The extra account is just like lighting a cigarette or tantamount to the habit. This time with less noise and people who actually understand me.
I can't wait for my credit card.
|Saturday, March 9th, 2013|
One thing that drives me insane is the fact that people think it's so easy to look for a job. There are so many factors to consider. The other thing that pisses me off is how people judge you based on what you do. Many people say so, but deep inside they judge everything about you with what you do.
I'm in that spot in my life where I can't secure anything. A job, a date, and even my weight seems to be at a standstill. It sucks, but I have to take it one day at a time and go for it.
I finished all my responsibilities at that little sideline that I did. So I'm through with it. I signed off and put together a whole month's workload in the rest of the night. Spent the first part of the night looking for work. I secured about three things and put them on bookmarks. I'll apply tomorrow since I hate writing cover letters. I do have to improve my resume as well.
I also made an announcement to deactivate my facebook account. I guess I will be doing it. I sold my Xbox, went back to my old workout regimen, I've made sure the only thing I will be doing until the end of the month is to complete my Bell Media requirements, secure a day job and finish the damn wedding video.
So by April, 2013 can finally begin for me.
|Friday, March 8th, 2013|
Suddenly, I had an energy drain.
Job interview today and a little bit of gym. I was able to source out a customer's phone number that I, with my big mouth, said on an interview was an invaluable experience. Ah well. If I don't get hired, I don't get hired, it ain't the end of the world.
Other than that, I had a couple of naps during the day and nothing else. Quite a dead day really.
|Thursday, March 7th, 2013|
So today is a good day.
No nasty surprises, no karmic backlash, nothing. I burned my bridges, I got my peace, now I got off my ass to actually get some work done.
I finished reading and critiquing a colleague's script. Guy reminds me of Chevy Chase in Community. Cool guy and really nice minus the Chevy Chase racism. I really liked the concept and it's one of the few things I actually don't want to steal. Yet one way that I really like to work is to use the knowledge that I've deciphered, the somewhat understanding of romantic comedies and use it for a screenplay of my own.
Although I didn't charge him a cent for the piece, he did give me a bus pass and listened to my problems. It's quite different voicing them out rather than typing them. There's this cathartic feeling of actually throwing them out. He made me realize that I'm not at fault. Everyone has needs and I'm just there to fulfill them. Thought crimes are merely thoughts. Until they are manifested into reality, they're just that, thoughts. Stupid Catholics.
I think I gained weight but whatever, I'll get over it.
Aaron told me that Galaxy Mall reminds him of Clerks The Animation done in Beavis and Butthead style. Cool, I like Mike Judge. I actually like him better than Seth Macfarlane. Yet I think the style's more suited for Daria. So I'm gonna go with Daria meets Clerks. I actually submitted something on time. I also got proactive and told my mentor what I expect for the rest of the week.
Made peace with Kathleen and Henry and Acme cafe. Save for the massive deuce one of the waiters left in the bathroom. It's just disgusting. Their coffee tastes like Artigiano minus the price. I might eat there some day, maybe when I have the cash. But I'm kinda averted with how unsanitary some waiters got.
Speaking of which, maybe I'll ask my sister to take me again to the ghetto--gentrified diner where I had a really good cup of coffee and salad.
Dressed up nice today, without the vest and the fedora, without anything to prove. Got myself an interview for tomorrow. I guess I'm getting back to the world of the living. It only took me 9 months.
I saw Chowder's page again and I miss the dog. I miss him more than I miss Julie. I guess this is how Julie felt missing Roxxy the Sooperhusky more than Thorny. It's quite sad really. Ah well.
|Wednesday, March 6th, 2013|
Today I severed my ties to many things. I started last night and worked until this morning. I submitted withdrawal letters, "please don't contact me", the like. I might look like I'm burning bridges, but I feel that I've given away so much of my work for the last couple of years. To be fair, I also allowed myself to be rejected by the girls I'm trying to date. It's only fair. I'm rejecting people but I'm trying to keep hope from those who I want to accept me.
It's also somewhat of a productive day. I completed the grant letter, which was mostly done anyway. I'm not so thrilled working for that company anymore. A lot of the stuff I receive last minute and I feel that I'm taking away from my own projects that I know are worth a lot more. Yes, people might think I'm burning bridges, but seriously, I would rather burn than keep.
I completed my mini bible and one sheet today. I'll double check them tomorrow before I turn it all in. I feel that I'm in a good spot with my mentor. However, my mentor's not really the end all be all of the project. Yet adding more pages won't do me any good. I just felt that I've hit all the beats with what my mentor has given. Writing succinctly while hitting all the beats. I feel I've done that.
Although I still talk or think about Julie, I feel that it doesn't hold as much power as before. I still feel sad. Yet that's merely natural. I guess it's more envy I feel for other people's blessings.
What I plan to do next will be quite more groundbreaking. In fact, many people are telling me to do it.
Disconnect from Facebook.
|Tuesday, March 5th, 2013|
Today is not going to be the first time I have a meltdown, nor it would be my last.
I nearly went crazy. I was overwhelmed by everything. I felt I took on way too much. However, it's my own goddamned fault.
I walked to New Westminster today. I just wanted to. It took two hours both ways. I should've been writing.
I tried to work on Galaxy Mall today. I couldn't. I keep stumbling on my own personal issues.
I rejected people today. I cannot be myself.
I gave up on the three girls I wanted to date. I felt that I was being a liar.
I dropped my new routine. I dropped the new me.
There's only the old me. And I plan to be myself from now on.
It was a tough day.
|Monday, March 4th, 2013|
So I realized that I was gaining a little more weight than I appear to be was because I stopped a lot of my cardio. I mean I dropped it down by 70%. The other thing that I did that regret is that I had a five day cheat binge due to depression. I mean I had 7 pieces of Church's chicken on Saturday and a dimsum binge the following day plus I ate some sushi earlier. If I didn't get fat, my body is lying to me.
I had a relatively weird morning starting off with a weird correspondence with my clients for the new writing gig I started. It's somewhat of a nasty surprise but not really a surprise because I expected the sort of outburst after submitting the half-done proposal. However, in my defense, they really didn't give me much to work with. So I said fuck it and walked to the mall.
I met Chase in the mall with his new friend Oliver. We ended up doing a half-assed day game after a half-assed business meeting and ate at a half-assed sushi place. That pretty much describes the entire day. I was half-assing everything.
Met a cute girl at the gym and also her boyfriend. At least I learned a new plank technique. I do need more core exercises. I also confirmed my weight gain. It's quite depressing.
Other than that, just another unproductive day chatting away on Facebook. But as I said, everything was half-assed. I did start my day off going back to bed.
Though I didn't lie down on my bed most of the day. I feel a little sad half-assing the day. I'll get back on the horse tomorrow. My mentor called my script "Degrassi in Space". Seriously? Fuck it. I'm going to bed.
|Sunday, March 3rd, 2013|
I woke up this morning and my godmother Beth Napud passed away of cancer. My daily nasty surprise just turned for the worst. She was very nice and I liked her bubbly personality. She also lived a very hard life. She was my mom's bestest friend. She really took it bad because I did tell them before when my dad suddenly got a thought of her. I told them to call. I didn't rub it in, regret is a razor sharped barbed ball of yarn made of fishhooks. It'll keep tearing one apart.
We went for dimsum too. I love Happy Valley. Place is so cheap and the food is great. One of the best dimsum I've tasted ever. And I love my dimsum. I also feel very fat the last couple of days. Neck strain really can't get me going full out on the gym. Desk girl being very cold, or being very busy. Whatever, I mean nothing to her, I'm just another client.
Worked with the grant letters for most of the day. A lot of it was due to inertia. Still having a hard time getting used to this new setup I have. But like most things, once I've developed a system, things start to get a little bearable (not easier, nothing gets easier in life). Just like every other RPG I've played, once one learns to play then it'll be easier to go for bonuses and the like.
My ass is starting to hurt from the foldable chair. I had to power nap later in the day. Felt good.
Tried to reconnect with a missed connection. She seems to be side stepping me. Ah well. That's fine, I have no money to burn anyway for this. I'll merely go along with it. She's nice though, really courteous. But I think in another universe, we'd be something else. In this universe, we're a missed connection. But I still asked to see her next week. Zero risk, high reward. She says no, I really don't feel so bad. Fall in love once you succeed not while going for it.
Biggest lesson learned today: Adapt to everything. Be formless. Be like water. Things will get bearable, not easier. Once we understand this, just like most games, setbacks won't hurt us too much, we just have to get back up and try, try again.
Lakers won today too. I guess there's always a silver lining for every day.
|Saturday, March 2nd, 2013|
This probably marks my second day of a new "30 Day Promise". Yet whatever. I usually invoke it. Well I unofficially invoke it.
One does not go through change overnight, one usually starts from something but it means nothing without following through. I think I did good job doing that. It took me five months to get to this point. This is my second step.
I started my day off with a strained neck. Sucks but I have to live with it. Exercising with it is a pain. Cute desk lady was at the gym. I think her name is Alara or Alanna or something. She's cute. Next time she's alone I'm going to ask again. I'll make a mistake. Hopefully she's interested. Hopefully I'll get her to say something else besides "How are you?" I'm a dork.
10:30 I had a conference call with my client. She approved my final draft of the newsletter. It's great that I only do it once a month. Later in the day I spend three hours of my time scheduling stuff for their facebook page. I guess about 2 hours of those three hours are spent chatting.
Ate so much Church's chicken today it's disgusting.
Did some work for Raahul Singh and Grace Chin. I've been their camera guy for almost a month now. Short day. Kinda emotional. Social Links kinda levelled up.
Hung out with Vlad too. Wanted to maximize my bus pass since I used up about $8 of my $27 bank account. I'm at $19 sans whatever bloody service fees they're gonna slap on it.
I wonder if my attitude will change when I get my money back. I hope not. I kinda like being somewhat responsible.
Change my wallpaper to a Chloe Moretz one. She's really cute. But she's also really young.
Biggest achievement today: Made a doable schedule. Complete with side quests and social links quest. Yes, I love Persona. Fuck you if you don't.
Tomorrow will be a good day.
|Friday, March 1st, 2013|
|End to Wallowing
I did a lot today. Yet I find that my biggest achievement is not to work on a job for the first time in months, or not to spend any money (because my credit card was compromised), or even trying out squats for the first time in years.
My biggest achievement for the day is to get out of bed and not lie down on it until I'm ready to sleep.
My ex complained that every time she saw me on webcam, I'm lying in bed. Everyday for the last three years. There were times where there's a change of scenery but most of the time, I was in bed. She desperately tried to get me get a desk. I bought a foldable chair. But I never used it.
I just kept on lying in bed.
Worst part about being depressed is staying in bed. Then for some reason, the thoughts keep coming. It gets me to wallow. Wallowing is comfortable. It's also quite deadly because nothing really happens. After my credit card got compromised today, I felt that I'll be stuck in the house for the next 15 days. However, since I kinda have a job, I forced myself to work on that.
For the first time in years, I felt energized to be sitting in front of a desk. I'm not lying down. Depressing thoughts didn't dawn on me. It was pretty weird. I usually leave the house to get some writing done. But actually all I needed was a desk. I have a makeshift one right now. But I think it'll do. I usually use the dining table, but my battery keeps running out and my parents love to look over my shoulder.
This is the first time in years that I had a working desk. Last I had it was in high school. I keep getting really small spaces after that so I usually studied lying down. I did so much of my stuff lying down. For 13 years, I did everything lying down.
I'm now sitting on a desk in my room working. I think my output will increase. Finally I listened to advice that's been drilled and nagged into me for years. I also see the point.
Achievements for today:
1) Got out of bed.
2) Tried squats for the first time.
3) Identified every member of SNSD.
4) Learned how to use mailchimp.
5) Learned how to cue Facebook posts.
6) Tried my hand in desktop publishing
7) Wrote a few articles.
8) Started to work for the first time in months.
9) Did not spend a cent on anything.
10) Broke the cycle of wallowing.